This book is not yet featured on Listopia. Community Reviews. Showing Rating details. All Languages. More filters. Sort order. Janettapper rated it it was amazing Jan 07, There are no discussion topics on this book yet. About Sara Young. Sara Young. Books by Sara Young. Become a fan of Slashdot on Facebook. I think it has less to do with online dating and more to do with a sense of entitlement, period. People date online either because they're desperate or because they have unrealistic expectations to begin with, not the other way around.
And, I've said this before, most dating sites are scams. I am considering performing an experiment - attempting online dating again, but this time inflating my salary. How long can I bullshit being an engineer, wearing my nicest clothes out for dates? Then, when I finally get 'er home to my studio apartment, I can say, "It shouldn't matter how much money I make, you goddamn gold-digger.
Go to any real world dating event and you'll find something similar. Women are recruited, offered free admission, etc. It's a sad statement about a larger reality in society, there are always more desperate men than women. The good looking, rich, charismatic guys tend to juggle multiple women while the dumpy guys often get zilch. Meanwhile, the women are holding out for and fighting over Prince Charming i. Not saying the same thing doesn't happen the other way around sometimes too guys will often focus way too much attention on physical attributes, to their detriment.
But it still usually results in more desperate men than women. The same old "Nice guys finish last" cop out. If you're older than 30 and still believing that crap, I feel sorry for you. Somewhere in their 20's MOST girls re-arrange their expectations to marry someone who is good to them. The trick is being the first nice guy to come along after those expectations have been re-arranged. So, nice guys DO finish last This creates the illusion that girls are not interested in nice guys, as they may date 20 assholes and one or two nice guys, but it's the one or two nice guys that they marry and don't divorce a couple years later That said, guys can be their own problem: There is NO shortage of women out there who would be more than happy to be with you.
You can't expect the girl who exercises, eats right, and puts resources into looking attractive to be interested in you if you're not doing the same things. So if you're not peak attractiveness, and you're not revamping your diet and popping in the P90X to bring up your physical appearance, time to dial down your own expectations to "normal looking people". As a handy side effect, getting rid of your rampant desire to associate with attractive women will also make you less creepy to attractive women. Some trick: you get a woman whose looks are fading at an exponential rate, and who frolicked in her prime with sexier men, so you'll be entering into a disadvantageous contract with someone with no real loyalty or passion for you.
There is NO shortage of women out there who would be more than happy to be with you. Truer words were never spoken. What it comes down to for me is women fall into two categories: attractive, and accessible to me. I ended up marrying an unattractive one, who turned out to be an excellent wife and mother, but it has been difficult over the years to choke down the fact that I've never really found her appealing. I'm not sure if guys are better off to lower their expectations or not.
It will get you laid, but is it worth it? A lot of guys who claim to be "nice guys" are in fact timid doormats who secretly crush on their female friends then get upset when they finally try to act upon their feelings, only to get "friend-zoned. If you're interested in someone, be up front about it, be confident, and don't take rejection personally. Yes, I know it's easy to say that, but that's really all there is to it. Women aren't going to fall all over you just because you're there, you have to go out and do the work yourself.
The "nice guys finish last" thing is alive and well, and there's nothing about it that's a "cop out". Where you're correct is that as we get older, our priorities change largely due to having more life experiences. Most men AND women I know are working on "climbing that ladder" throughout their 20's and into their early 30's.
They score that first "career job" after finishing school or dropping out with it partially finished, as the case may be? Still working from the angle of "I've got nowhere to go from here but up! When you're still in THAT stage of life? Yeah, dating is very competitive and you really can finish last in that area if you bring integrity and "character" to the table, but not much else. Where things change, IMO, is somewhere between the mid 30's and 40's. Others just matured a bit or even simply let life wear them down a bit, to where they quit trying to impress -- and resigned themselves to just getting up each day, going to their job, and keeping busy with whatever chores and tasks life demanded of them.
All of a sudden, they're no longer focusing time and energy on searching for someone. They're just being themselves, and are actually in a better position to stumble across someone else like-minded who likes them for them. BTW, I really think wealth serves as a huge barrier to one's self-awareness. Why do so many Hollywood celebs and pro sports athletes have relationship problems? Why do big-shot CEOs constantly get involved in sex scandals? When you have enough money, you're able to spend your way out of looking in the mirror and getting a true sense of who you are.
Someone's always happy to stroke your ego, hoping for some sort of payoff. Doctors and surgeons will do all sorts of procedures to you, to make sure you physically appear younger than you really are. Every time you screw up in public, you can pay off someone to bail you back out of the situation. It changes a lot when you're over Women realize there's no such thing as Prince Charming and it's time to settle for someone who treats them well and isn't going to leave. Unfortunate what also happens is that those men become bitter.
When you get spurned for so long you become used to being on your own, and you also see 'women settling' for what it really is. I last had a date in the 90s. I was lonely for the first year or two after, bitter for the next four or five years, and finally got over it. Now that I'm in my 40s, I've actually been asked out on a date once or twice, and I've turned them down. There's no bitterness; it's simply no longer something I want to do.
If the urge for sex strikes, there's an entire Internet full of pr0n out there, and then I can get back to whatever it was I was doing. I'm content in my lifestyle, and when every waking hour is filled spending something I do want to do, and I realized that when push comes to shove, there's simply no room in my life for a relationship.
In the same way as the woman who settled for a good guy who'd be content to take care of her and help her raise the family, men can "settle" too. Sour grapes? Sure, there's a little bit of that.
But on a risk-reward basis, I'm grateful that the human palate adjusts. It is no doubt sexist but girls who reach puberty are very attractive to a large age range of men. Boys of the same age, only to Catholic priests. For women, it is looks that count. For men, it is success, power, confidence. Not saying that all women are gold diggers only after a wallet but confidence is something you gain overtime, with success, with power, with age. And when you couldn't get a 18yr old at 18, why would you date that girl who is now 40 when she has been used up and now desperate when with your status gain, you can get a nice young girl?
Dating sites reflect this. I have worked on two and the database clearly showed that the women tended to be more experienced read: many failed relationships and fed up with it and now trying to find something more longterm. Generally these women show little self-awareness of why they are this situation, 30 something with just as many boyfriends and nothing permanent. Men are slightly more realistic but to negative. When these two groups meet, mis-communication is rife, a lot of men are simply not prepared to accept that a women their own age has more experience, they don't want second hand goods or even 30th hand goods.
The women on the other hand don't quite get why men they turned down for years are not falling over themselves like all the guys that came before. They don't see that the guys they had before were only there for the sex and nothing else. The men might not have much experience with relationships but neither do the women. Being used as a booty call is after all not a relationship. The only thing these women are good at is failed relationships. Think of it like this: If you try a race circuit a thousand time and crash everytime at the first corner you are NOT more experienced at racing at that circuit then someone who never even been there.
It is a complex concept but an essential one if you want to understand the dating scene. A one-night stand when he never calls again does NOT teach you how to make a relationship work. In fact, if that is your history for the last decade, it seems likely you will never learn. A lot of people approach online-dating and other dating aids with this screwed up mind set, men who hate all women because they never had the guts so ask them out, girls who been used all their life thinking it is the fault of men that none of them saw how wonderful a person she really is, people with expectation that just don't exist in this world.
Real romances? Try this, do a poll among married couples for valentine gifts and on a dating site. The results might be very different, the married couples are realistic, the dating site will have stuff that even Spielberg couldn't make up. It is true after all, normal people don't need dating sites.
That does NOT mean you will only find freaks on dating sites. It means if you are using one, you are a freak. Accept this, take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself: "What is wrong with me that I have to use this". It is not wrong to use dating sites but if you think you are perfect when you have to use one Heterosexual men look for 25 year old women, homosexual men look for 25 year old men.
They'll settle for stuff on either side of that point, but that's roughly the high point on the desire curve. In contrast, women look for partners who are a few years older than them, whether hetero or homosexual. This isn't the case at all with most other animals, because they generally don't experience menopause, so there's much less age selectivity towards females; whatever switch controls hetero or homosexuality appears to just change which sex you're interested in rather than your attractiveness filter for that sex.
First of all - there is a lot of traits that women find attractive besides raw confidence or power. Of course, the problem is that the 'not boring and not predictable' group has a high ratio of older successful men and jerks in it. But that's not women's fault. Where do "normal people" go to find people to date anyway? Maybe "normal people" just isn't supposed to include men who are in male-dominated professions like engineering. When I was in college, there were frequently zero women in my classes. After college, it was worse: not only were most of my coworkers male, but almost everyone male and female were already married.
So where are you supposed to meet single women in that situation? Stumble across them at the grocery store? Meet friends of friends? Every time I've brought this up, it seems like the standard answer is that you're supposed to meet your life partner at a bar or club while you're both completely drunk. No thanks. Yes there are more women over 30yrs old looking and easy. But they usually come with baggage, divorces and kids.
Expect to spend years listening to her complain about every disastrous relationship in her past, each of which she will unfairly take out on you. Or find someone who's also avoided the long term relationship pitfalls during their 20's as well. Biggest problem; she had a dog and I had a cat. Note: good-looking and charismatic are, mostly, both qualities you can cultivate, not god-given attributes you must bemoan your lack of.
One thing in particular: go to any mid-range restaurant and look around at the straight dating couples. For Pete's sake, if you're going to go on a date, make a freaking effort. Buy a good suit, that fits, and wear it. If you're not going to do that, at least get some decent pants and a shirt that fits. And iron it. You know that stereotype that men look at appearance and women look at character? I wouldn't rely on it if I were you. If women go for good-looking, charismatic guys then maybe you could take a shot at being good-looking and charismatic, rather than wondering why no-one seems to see your wonderful personality past your mysteriously-stained sweatpants Thats why you don't do the engineer thing but instead the hipster trust fund baby thing.
Better buy an iphone first. I did just the opposite on dating sites one of which gave me a free membership, so might as well use it. So, I changed it to "actor at a renaissance faire", something I do for a hobby as it gets me outdoors. The result: More interesting bites on the line. The ones looking for a sugar daddy go elsewhere.
And, the people who do find you are probably likely to share similar interests with you history, drama, general nerdiness or at least appreciate that side of you. Win-win all around, it sounds like. Most profiles on the major websites are in fact real profiles of women who would like to date. The ones that are spam are also pretty easy to detect.
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Most women don't care about salary. They DO care about drive. So if you make poop for cash because you're an under-compensated social worker, no problem. If you make poop for cash because your life plan is "bartender", that might be an issue. Approach is key. Men on online dating sites tend to be indiscriminate, sending lots of messages to lots of women. This means women tend to get lots of messages from lots of men - but lots of poor, unspecific messages. For success, less is more. Pick a FEW profiles of people you find interesting, and take the time to write them something specific and interesting.
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There are other tricks. Start having your friends take pictures of you when you're out doing whatever, and post pics of you doing things to your profile. Talk about what you do and why you like doing it Overall, you want to come across as looking for the right person, not just looking for any person. And, certainly, if you approach dating with the same jaded attitude you display here women are just after money!
Approach dating as a fun activity in-and-of-itself and you might also find someone you really like on accident. Not really. Online dating means a few women that photograph well are bombarded by the vast majority of men. This is really no different from real life. That would be true if it were not for most dating sites having a or worse ratio of men to women. For true equality look at the gay dating scene. Life is series of compromises. Online or not, there is certain group out there who thinks they need worse, deserve "soul mate".
Good thing with physical world is, these people will be notorious in the town, friends circle and lose any chance of meeting decent folks. But in Online world, they have luxury of keeping going through profiles and waste their money, time and other peoples time. How else these "dating sites" make money? Well, I'm glad you don't feel like you are entitled to words like "the", "a", or "do". Just think, the arrogance of some people! On a serious note, I know several people in real life that have used eHarmony before. Most of them ended up getting married after their first or second date using the service and shortly after a year or so of meeting each other for the first time.
That tells me two things. First, eHarmony has got the system down to a science with regards to their list of questions they ask members to take. Second, and most important members of eHarmony are already taking a serious and mature attitude with regards to finding a mate for life. When two people make it a serious effort to make a relationship work, I'm not surprised that eHarmony has what I think is the best success rate of them all.
This could also be interpreted to mean that these are people with unrealistic expectations of what relationships are, and they happen to rush into marriage because that is what tradition demands of them. There are lots of sexually repressed religious folk just champing at the bit to get married so they can actually start having sex. Or just continue doing so without the fear of eternal torture. I know one person in real life who tried to use eHarmony. He spent an hour and a half filling out that fscking personality test, only to be told that I — I mean, "he" — wasn't even worthy trying to match up.
Have they changed it, or does anyone with an INTP personality type still get automatically rejected? We did get a pretty good laugh when after meeting online we discovered out that we have the same employer and I'm her network administrator. Coincidence is a bizarre thing. It's a big employer - we work in different buildings a couple of blocks apart, so we'd never met. OKCupid did a page about that a little while ago I can't find it to link to right now Basically, because there are so many fake profiles, guys end up sending a lot of messages that will never get answered.
Since so few of them get answered they end up sending more and more messages, and putting less and less thought into each one. Girls on the site then login in to find messages all saying "hey, you're pretty", and decide to quit the site, leading to even more profiles that will never answer your messages. I got divorced 2 years ago. A few months after that I decided I would try the dating scene.
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Hooked up a few times at the bar, went on some dates with friends-of-friends, the works. Decided to try online dating, because my life is busy and I thought it would increase my chances of finding someone who had free time similar to mine weekdays, not weekends :.
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I can go to the bar for what I would spend to meet someone on there. I did fill out the free profile. I'm hardly a "playboy" at lbs 6'1 and an average build. But, I have to think you are right that the people on the "cheap" sites are looking for hookups and not investing in long term. Easy sex! Believe it or not, there are a lot of women and I assume men, though I wasn't searching for those on dating sites who really are just looking for someone to hook up with. They aren't the ones with fake pictures.
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