SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit


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The Power of Progress

As soon as the train, like ourselves, was in flight, I gave utterance to a few of my glorious anticipations. Our flesh will be charged with such magnetism that wild animals of the Himalayas will come tamely near us. Tigers will be no more than meek house cats awaiting our caresses!

This remark—picturing a prospect I considered entrancing, both metaphorically and literally—brought an enthusiastic smile from Amar. But Jatinda averted his gaze, directing it through the window at the scampering landscape. Thus no one at the station will surmise that we are running away together. I unsuspectingly agreed. At dusk our train stopped at Burdwan. Jatinda entered the ticket office; Amar and I sat on the platform. We waited fifteen minutes, then made unavailing inquiries. But he had faded into the dark unknown surrounding the little station.

I was completely unnerved, shocked to a peculiar numbness. That God would countenance this depressing episode! The romantic occasion of my first carefully-planned flight after Him was cruelly marred. This trip is doomed to failure. We refreshed ourselves with famous Burdwan sweetmeats, sitabhog food for the goddess and motichur nuggets of sweet pearl. In a few hours, we entrained for Hardwar, via Bareilly. Changing trains at Moghul Serai, we discussed a vital matter as we waited on the platform. No matter what the outcome, I will not speak untruth.

At this moment, a European station agent accosted me. He waved a telegram whose import I immediately grasped. The official then turned to Amar. The duel of wits that followed hardly permitted me to maintain the counseled stoic gravity. I am the son of an English mother and a converted Christian Indian father. By this time my inward mirth had reached a zenith; I unceremoniously made for the train, whistling for departure. Amar followed with the official, who was credulous and obliging enough to put us into a European compartment.

It evidently pained him to think of two half-English boys traveling in the section allotted to natives. After his polite exit, I lay back on the seat and laughed uncontrollably. My friend wore an expression of blithe satisfaction at having outwitted a veteran European official. On the platform I had contrived to read the telegram.

Please detain them until my arrival. Ample reward for your services. My friend sheepishly acknowledged the thrust. We halted briefly in Bareilly, where Dwarka Prasad awaited us with a telegram from Ananta. My old friend tried valiantly to detain us; I convinced him that our flight had not been undertaken lightly.

As on a previous occasion, Dwarka refused my invitation to set forth to the Himalayas. While our train stood in a station that night, and I was half asleep, Amar was awakened by another questioning official. The majestic mountains loomed invitingly in the distance. We dashed through the station and entered the freedom of city crowds. Our first act was to change into native costume, as Ananta had somehow penetrated our European disguise. A premonition of capture weighed on my mind. Deeming it advisable to leave Hardwar at once, we bought tickets to proceed north to Rishikesh, a soil long hallowed by feet of many masters.

I had already boarded the train, while Amar lagged on the platform. He was brought to an abrupt halt by a shout from a policeman. Our unwelcome guardian escorted us to a station bungalow and took charge of our money. He explained courteously that it was his duty to hold us until my elder brother arrived. You will never meet a greater man of God than the one I saw only yesterday.

My brother officer and I first encountered him five days ago. We were patrolling by the Ganges, on a sharp lookout for a certain murderer. Our instructions were to capture him, alive or dead. He was known to be masquerading as a sadhu in order to rob pilgrims. A short way before us, we spied a figure which resembled the description of the criminal.

He ignored our command to stop; we ran to overpower him. As we jumped in front of him, he spoke quietly. Prostrating myself at his feet, I implored his pardon, and offered my turban-cloth to staunch the heavy spurts of blood. The Beloved Mother is taking care of me.

Thus you will feel no remorse. The sadhu was there and allowed us to examine his arm. It bore no scar or trace of hurt! I feel that my life has been uplifted through his sanctity. The officer concluded with a pious ejaculation; his experience had obviously moved him beyond his usual depths.

With an impressive gesture, he handed me a printed clipping about the miracle. In the usual garbled manner of the sensational type of newspaper not missing, alas! Amar and I lamented that we had missed the great yogi who could forgive his persecutor in such a Christlike way. We thanked the officer for relieving our tedium with his marvelous story.

He was probably intimating that he was more fortunate than we: he had met an illumined saint without effort; our earnest search had ended, not at the feet of a master, but in a coarse police station! So near the Himalayas and yet, in our captivity, so far, I told Amar I felt doubly impelled to seek freedom. We can go on foot to holy Rishikesh.

But my companion had turned pessimist as soon as the stalwart prop of our money had been taken from us. Amar greeted his relative with affectionate relief. I was unreconciled; Ananta got no more from me than a severe upbraiding. Then you can resume your search here for a master. Amar entered the conversation at this point to disclaim any intention of returning to Hardwar with me. He was enjoying the familial warmth. But I knew I would never abandon the quest for my guru.

A clever scheme had been prearranged by Ananta. Before seeing me at Hardwar, he had stopped in Benares to ask a certain scriptural authority to interview me later. Both the pundit and his son had promised to undertake my dissuasion from the path of a sannyasi. Ananta took me to their home. The son, a young man of ebullient manner, greeted me in the courtyard.

He engaged me in a lengthy philosophic discourse. Professing to have a clairvoyant knowledge of my future, he discountenanced my idea of being a monk. Becoming a high-souled being, he soon attains perennial peace. Arjuna, know this for certain: the devotee who puts his trust in Me never perishes! Last Solstice Festival celebrated by Sri Yukteswar, December, , My Guru is seated in the center; I am at his right, in the large courtyard of his hermitage in Serampore.

But the forceful prognostications of the young man had slightly shaken my confidence. With all the fervor of my heart I prayed silently to God:. Evidently he had overheard the spirited conversation between the self-styled clairvoyant and myself, for the stranger called me to his side. I felt a tremendous power flowing from his calm eyes. In response to your prayer, the Lord tells me to assure you that your sole path in this life is that of the renunciate.

My saintly guide raised his hand in blessing and slowly departed. He and his son were gazing at me lugubriously. I turned away. To Ananta I remarked that I would not engage in further discussion with our hosts. My brother agreed to an immediate departure; we soon entrained for Calcutta. Detective, how did you discover I had fled with two companions? He smiled mischievously. I went to his home the next morning and unearthed a marked timetable. He has disappeared! Our generosity to the coachman had been slightly misplaced!

He had checked Bareilly, so I wired your friend Dwarka there. After inquiries in our Calcutta neighborhood, I learned that cousin Jatinda had been absent one night but had arrived home the following morning in European garb. I sought him out and invited him to dinner. He accepted, quite disarmed by my friendly manner.


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On the way I led him unsuspectingly to a police station. He was surrounded by several officers whom I had previously selected for their ferocious appearance. Under their formidable gaze, Jatinda agreed to account for his mysterious conduct. The hilarious sequel on the train was worth all the anguish he had caused me. I must confess to a slight feeling of satisfaction: Jatinda too had not escaped an encounter with the police!

At home in Calcutta, Father touchingly requested me to curb my roving feet until, at least, the completion of my high school studies. In my absence, he had lovingly hatched a plot by arranging for a saintly pundit, Swami Kebalananda, 5 to come regularly to the house. Father hoped to satisfy my religious yearnings by instructions from a learned philosopher.

But the tables were subtly turned: my new teacher, far from offering intellectual aridities, fanned the embers of my God-aspiration. The peerless guru had possessed thousands of disciples, silently drawn to him by the irresistibility of his divine magnetism. I learned later that Lahiri Mahasaya had often characterized Kebalananda as rishi or illumined sage. All the movements of his slight body were marked by a restful deliberation. Ever gentle and loving, he was firmly established in the infinite consciousness. Many of our happy hours together were spent in deep Kriya meditation.

But my progress in Sanskrit scholarship was unnoteworthy. I sought every opportunity to forsake prosaic grammar and to talk of yoga and Lahiri Mahasaya. My tutor obliged me one day by telling me something of his own life with the master. His Benares home was my nightly goal of pilgrimage. The guru was always present in a small front parlor on the first floor. As he sat in lotus posture on a backless wooden seat, his disciples garlanded him in a semicircle. His eyes sparkled and danced with the joy of the Divine. They were ever half closed, peering through the inner telescopic orb into a sphere of eternal bliss.

He seldom spoke at length. Occasionally his gaze would focus on a student in need of help; healing words poured then like an avalanche of light. I was permeated with his fragrance, as though from a lotus of infinity. To be with him, even without exchanging a word for days, was experience which changed my entire being. There the most tenuous states came easily within my grasp. Such perceptions eluded me in the presence of lesser teachers.

The master was a living temple of God whose secret doors were open to all disciples through devotion. He had the wondrous clavis which unlocked the profound philosophical science embedded ages ago in the Vedas. This technique cannot be bound, filed, and forgotten, in the manner of theoretical inspirations. Continue ceaselessly on your path to liberation through Kriya, whose power lies in practice. My saintly tutor recounted the story one day, his eyes remote from the Sanskrit texts before us.

Should he have no light in his eyes, when he faithfully served our master, in whom the Divine was fully blazing?


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One morning I sought to speak to Ramu, but he sat for patient hours fanning the guru with a hand-made palm-leaf punkha. When the devotee finally left the room, I followed him. Never have my eyes been blessed with a glimpse of the sun. The disciple felt almost ashamed to ask that physical wealth be added to his spiritual superabundance.

I have no healing power. He who ignites the stars and the cells of flesh with mysterious life-effulgence can surely bring luster of vision into your eyes. The splendor of the sun shall have a special dawn for you. For the first time, Ramu beheld the fair face of nature. The Omniscient One had unerringly directed his disciple to repeat the name of Rama, adored by him above all other saints. By perfection of resistless surrender, the master enabled the Prime Healing Power to flow freely through him. But the silent spiritual awakenings he effected, the Christlike disciples he fashioned, are his imperishable miracles.

Bhagavad Gita, IX, Krishna was the greatest prophet of India; Arjuna was his foremost disciple. I always addressed him as Ananta-da. Da is a respectful suffix which the eldest brother in an Indian family receives from junior brothers and sisters. His biography has been recently published in Bengali. Born in the Khulna district of Bengal in , Kebalananda gave up his body in Benares at the age of sixty-eight. His family name was Ashutosh Chatterji.

The ancient four Vedas comprise over extant canonical books. It contains every religious sentiment, all the grand ethics which visit in turn each noble poetic mind. It is of no use to put away the book; if I trust myself in the woods or in a boat upon the pond, Nature makes a Brahmin of me presently: eternal necessity, eternal compensation, unfathomable power, unbroken silence. This is her creed. Peace, she saith to me, and purity and absolute abandonment—these panaceas expiate all sin and bring you to the beatitude of the Eight Gods. At death the consciousness of man is usually drawn to this holy spot, accounting for the upraised eyes found in the dead.

The central sacred figure of the Sanskrit epic, Ramayana. I did not have this wisdom of Solomon to comfort me; I gazed searchingly about me, on any excursion from home, for the face of my destined guru. But my path did not cross his own until after the completion of my high school studies. Everything else is complex.

Do not seek absolute values in the relative world of nature. These philosophical finalities gently entered my ear as I stood silently before a temple image of Kali. Good and evil is the challenging riddle which life places sphinxlike before every intelligence. Attempting no solution, most men pay forfeit with their lives, penalty now even as in the days of Thebes. Here and there, a towering lonely figure never cries defeat. It pulverizes the stoutest ego. But true self-analysis mathematically operates to produce seers. The human mind, bared to a centuried slime, is teeming with repulsive life of countless world-delusions.

Struggles of the battlefields pale into insignificance here, when man first contends with inward enemies! No mortal foes these, to be overcome by harrowing array of might! Omnipresent, unresting, pursuing man even in sleep, subtly equipped with a miasmic weapon, these soldiers of ignorant lusts seek to slay us all. Thoughtless is the man who buries his ideals, surrendering to the common fate. Can he seem other than impotent, wooden, ignominious?

But ingenuity is equal to the maze. Inner research soon exposes a unity in all human minds—the stalwart kinship of selfish motive. In one sense at least, the brotherhood of man stands revealed. An aghast humility follows this leveling discovery. Release is given him from the deafening demands of his ego.

The love of God flowers on such soil. With a sweeping gesture, my chance companion dismissed the ornate dignity. We strolled to the inviting sunshine at the entrance, where throngs of devotees were passing to and fro. Their hoary dictums suffice for this day and land. Not outmoded, not unsophisticated against the guiles of materialism, the disciplinary precepts mold India still. By millenniums—more than embarrassed scholars care to compute! Take it for your heritage. As I was reverently bidding farewell to the eloquent sadhu, he revealed a clairvoyant perception:.

I quitted the temple precincts and wandered along aimlessly. Turning a corner, I ran into an old acquaintance—one of those long-winded fellows whose conversational powers ignore time and embrace eternity. But he held me by the hand, forcing out tidbits of information. He was like a ravenous wolf, I thought in amusement; the longer I spoke, the more hungrily he sniffed for news. Inwardly I petitioned the Goddess Kali to devise a graceful means of escape. My companion left me abruptly. I sighed with relief and doubled my pace, dreading any relapse into the garrulous fever.

Hearing rapid footsteps behind me, I quickened my speed. I dared not look back. But with a bound, the youth rejoined me, jovially clasping my shoulder. You may have an unusual experience. The similarly worded prediction of the sadhu at Kalighat Temple flashed to my mind. Definitely intrigued, I entered the house and was ushered into a commodious parlor.

A crowd of people were sitting, Orient-wise, here and there on a thick orange-colored carpet. An awed whisper reached my ear:. I looked directly at the saint; his quick gaze rested on mine. He was plump and bearded, with dark skin and large, gleaming eyes. Can you materialize flowers? My own purpose is to demonstrate the power of God.

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Philosopher, you please my mind. Now, stretch forth your right hand. I was a few feet away from Gandha Baba; no one else was near enough to contact my body. I extended my hand, which the yogi did not touch. To my great surprise, the charming fragrance of rose was wafted strongly from the center of my palm. I smilingly took a large white scentless flower from a near-by vase. A jasmine fragrance instantly shot from the petals. I thanked the wonder-worker and seated myself by one of his students.

He informed me that Gandha Baba, whose proper name was Vishudhananda, had learned many astonishing yoga secrets from a master in Tibet. The Tibetan yogi, I was assured, had attained the age of over a thousand years. He is marvelous! Many members of the Calcutta intelligentsia are among his followers.

I inwardly resolved not to add myself to their number. With polite thanks to Gandha Baba, I departed. Sauntering home, I reflected on the three varied encounters the day had brought forth. A ludicrous bafflement passed over her face as she repeatedly sniffed the odor of jasmine from a type of flower she well knew to be scentless. Her reactions disarmed my suspicion that Gandha Baba had induced an auto-suggestive state whereby I alone could detect the fragrances.

Because the yogi was reputed to have the power of extracting objects out of thin air, I laughingly requested him to materialize some out-of-season tangerines. Each of the bread-envelopes proved to contain a peeled tangerine. I bit into my own with some trepidation, but found it delicious.

Years later I understood by inner realization how Gandha Baba accomplished his materializations. The method, alas! The different sensory stimuli to which man reacts—tactual, visual, gustatory, auditory, and olfactory—are produced by vibratory variations in electrons and protons. Gandha Baba, tuning himself with the cosmic force by certain yogic practices, was able to guide the lifetrons to rearrange their vibratory structure and objectivize the desired result. His perfume, fruit and other miracles were actual materializations of mundane vibrations, and not inner sensations hypnotically produced.

Having little purpose beyond entertainment, they are digressions from a serious search for God. Hypnotism has been used by physicians in minor operations as a sort of psychical chloroform for persons who might be endangered by an anesthetic. But a hypnotic state is harmful to those often subjected to it; a negative psychological effect ensues which in time deranges the brain cells. Its temporary phenomena have nothing in common with the miracles performed by men of divine realization. Awake in God, true saints effect changes in this dream-world by means of a will harmoniously attuned to the Creative Cosmic Dreamer.

Ostentatious display of unusual powers are decried by masters. The Persian mystic, Abu Said, once laughed at certain fakirs who were proud of their miraculous powers over water, air, and space. A true man is he who dwells in righteousness among his fellow men, who buys and sells, yet is never for a single instant forgetful of God! Neither the impartial sage at Kalighat Temple nor the Tibetan-trained yogi had satisfied my yearning for a guru. When I finally met my master, he taught me by sublimity of example alone the measure of a true man. Kali represents the eternal principle in nature.

She is traditionally pictured as a four-armed woman, standing on the form of the God Shiva or the Infinite, because nature or the phenomenal world is rooted in the Noumenon. The four arms symbolize cardinal attributes, two beneficent, two destructive, indicating the essential duality of matter or creation. Laymen scarcely realize the vast strides of twentieth-century science. Transmutation of metals and other alchemical dreams are seeing fulfillment every day in centers of scientific research over the world.

The eminent French chemist, M. This noted French scientist has produced liquid air by an expansion method in which he has been able to separate the various gases of the air, and has discovered various means of mechanical utilization of differences of temperature in sea water. Let us visit him tomorrow.

11 Signs You’ve Met a Love From a Past Life

This welcome suggestion came from Chandi, one of my high school friends. I was eager to meet the saint who, in his premonastic life, had caught and fought tigers with his naked hands. A boyish enthusiasm over such remarkable feats was strong within me. The next day dawned wintry cold, but Chandi and I sallied forth gaily.

After much vain hunting in Bhowanipur, outside Calcutta, we arrived at the right house. The door held two iron rings, which I sounded piercingly. Notwithstanding the clamor, a servant approached with leisurely gait. Feeling the silent rebuke, my companion and I were thankful to be invited into the parlor. Our long wait there caused uncomfortable misgivings. This psychological ruse is freely employed in the West by doctors and dentists! Finally summoned by the servant, Chandi and I entered a sleeping apartment.

The sight of his tremendous body affected us strangely. With bulging eyes, we stood speechless. We had never before seen such a chest or such football-like biceps. A hint of dovelike and tigerlike qualities shone in his dark eyes. He was unclothed, save for a tiger skin about his muscular waist. Finding our voices, my friend and I greeted the monk, expressing our admiration for his prowess in the extraordinary feline arena. I could do it today if necessary. One cannot expect victory from a baby who imagines a tiger to be a house cat!

Powerful hands are my sufficient weapon. He asked us to follow him to the patio, where he struck the edge of a wall. A brick crashed to the floor; the sky peered boldly through the gaping lost tooth of the wall. I fairly staggered in astonishment; he who can remove mortared bricks from a solid wall with one blow, I thought, must surely be able to displace the teeth of tigers! Those who are bodily but not mentally stalwart may find themselves fainting at mere sight of a wild beast bounding freely in the jungle.

The tiger in its natural ferocity and habitat is vastly different from the opium-fed circus animal! It is possible for a man, owning a fairly strong body and an immensely strong determination, to turn the tables on the tiger, and force it to a conviction of pussycat defenselessness. How often I have done just that! I was quite willing to believe that the titan before me was able to perform the tiger-pussycat metamorphosis. He seemed in a didactic mood; Chandi and I listened respectfully.

The body is literally manufactured and sustained by mind. Through pressure of instincts from past lives, strengths or weaknesses percolate gradually into human consciousness. They express as habits, which in turn ossify into a desirable or an undesirable body. Outward frailty has mental origin; in a vicious circle, the habit-bound body thwarts the mind. If the master allows himself to be commanded by a servant, the latter becomes autocratic; the mind is similarly enslaved by submitting to bodily dictation. My will was mighty, but my body was feeble. An ejaculation of surprise broke from me.

I have every reason to extol the compelling mental vigor which I found to be the real subduer of royal Bengals. No spiritual benefit accrues by knocking beasts unconscious. Rather be victor over the inner prowlers. The Tiger Swami fell into silence. Remoteness came into his gaze, summoning visions of bygone years.

I discerned his slight mental struggle to decide whether to grant my request. Finally he smiled in acquiescence. I decided not only to fight tigers but to display them in various tricks. My ambition was to force savage beasts to behave like domesticated ones. I began to perform my feats publicly, with gratifying success.

I would save you from coming ills, produced by the grinding wheels of cause and effect. Should superstition be allowed to discolor the powerful waters or my activities? But I believe in the just law of retribution, as taught in the holy scriptures. There is resentment against you in the jungle family; sometime it may act to your cost.

You well know what tigers are—beautiful but merciless! Even immediately after an enormous meal of some hapless creature, a tiger is fired with fresh lust at sight of new prey. It may be a joyous gazelle, frisking over the jungle grass. Capturing it and biting an opening in the soft throat, the malevolent beast tastes only a little of the mutely crying blood, and goes its wanton way. Who knows? I am headmaster in a forest finishing school, to teach them gentle manners! How could my good actions bring ill upon me? I beg you not to impose any command that I change my way of life. Chandi and I were all attention, understanding the past dilemma.

He followed it with a disclosure which he uttered gravely. He approached me yesterday as I sat on the veranda in my daily meditation. Let him cease his savage activities. Otherwise, his next tiger-encounter shall result in his severe wounds, followed by six months of deathly sickness. He shall then forsake his former ways and become a monk.

I considered that Father had been the credulous victim of a deluded fanatic. The Tiger Swami made this confession with an impatient gesture, as though at some stupidity. Grimly silent for a long time, he seemed oblivious of our presence. When he took up the dangling thread of his narrative, it was suddenly, with subdued voice. The picturesque territory was new to me, and I expected a restful change. As usual everywhere, a curious crowd followed me on the streets. I would catch bits of whispered comment:. With what speed do the even-later speech-bulletins of the women circulate from house to house!

Within a few hours, the whole city was in a state of excitement over my presence. They stopped in front of my dwelling place. In came a number of tall, turbaned policemen. He is pleased to invite you to his palace tomorrow morning. For some obscure reason I felt sharp regret at this interruption in my quiet trip. But the suppliant manner of the policemen moved me; I agreed to go. A servant held an ornate umbrella to protect me from the scorching sunlight.

The person you meet draws up a wellspring of emotions within you. You know that you never want to let this person go when you see them again. You might recall living in the same place, having the same occupation, or crossing paths along travels in a foreign country. You just intuitively know and remember these things, and the memories have carried over into all the lives you have shared with this person. They make you feel comfortable baring your soul, so you do, and have never felt so alive. Upon meeting them again, you two might spontaneously decide to catch up, and before you know it, five hours have passed.

You feel so in tune and engaged with them that you easily lose track of time, space, and all of reality. Even during your time apart, you feel like you have a strong connection with this person. You may have thought about them before, or seen them in a dream. You knew exactly what they looked like without ever meeting them before in this lifetime, and knew you would cross paths with them someday.

Destiny decided that you two would come together again, and you heard the call long before you and your soulmate actually met. You may have felt misunderstood and alone for the majority of your life, but meeting them erases all of those painful memories. You may recall messages they sent you before you reconnected; this will explain why you have such a strong connection with them. Your hearts and souls have become intertwined due to your cosmic relationship. You have traveled to many places together, some in this galaxy and some very far away. No matter where you go, though, you can hear each other and know exactly what one another is thinking.

Your connection with them goes much deeper than just the surface; while you two have a strong physical connection, you also share the same views spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I also have IC. Both have to be taken care of. Hang in there! I hope your life is really good now. I have a disability, and because he cut off other options, I was forced to stay with an abusive father into adulthood.

Some friends helped me to get out, and he has not contacted me since I left. That is a relief. Thank you for sharing your story! I could relate to it, and I admire your strength in protecting yourself from him. Hope you are okay. I am actually going through the same thing. I live in a one family household. My father works at a hospital for mental and drug addicts. But the only one crazy is my dad. He needs to get some help but he just denies that he is mentally unstable. My dad has been mentally abusing me ever since 6th grade. At first, I learned how to be more independent and how to just block everything that he is saying.

And the thing I hate most is that he just loves comparing me to my friends that he thinks are better people than me. I started crying. I cryed my way back in the car and through the only ride home 2 hours. He has always as had some kind of hurt inside of him too abuse me Mentally. But when you really think about it… mentally abuse is worst than physical in a way.

They are all bad but mentally abuse never gets out of your head. He is just saying that I need to wash the dishes but when I ask him if I can just see my friends at a park or something its wrong for him.. But GOD has really helped me through all this pain and suffering. We seem like a regular happy family. I need some help i just need some help someone who I can just tell everything too. If you are still going to be at home for a few years, you may want to check if any help exists at your school.

If you are old enough to move out, the first thing is to get out of your abusive environment. That someone works in the field of mental health does not make them immune to emotional vulnerabilities and disruptions. Peoples own sensitivities often drive them into fields they are trying to get a better grasp of.

Eventually you will want to work with someone to help you process through some of the things you have experienced and begin the healing process. So not let him take away your sense of self. It does not make you selfish or mean to cut ties with him. You must do it because you live yourself. Wow, I am very grateful for this page and for everyone who took the time to share. But my emotional abuse was so gradual and manipulative that I was more confused and lead to believe it was on me to work it out or make things right if I wanted things to go better.

I felt a little exposed at first to see my situation in others and am unable to deny that the effects from this kind of abuse runs deep. I think being in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long has really removed my sense of being which I thought was helping me cope and I even got used to not recognizing myself. I got used to denying everything and worse I got used to giving up more of myself, my resources and my self-esteem.

I keep thinking and thinking. But I know therapy will help and I am trying to be compassionate and kind to myself every day, all day while I get through this. Christine — Thanks for sharing your insights and realizations. I am in an emotionally abusive marriage. We are divorcing, but I am still in the path of destruction until it becomes final and we sell our home. There is no admission of abuse and it continues to occur on a very regular basis.

All of the points in the above list describing the signs…. I know that divorcing is the only way to save however many years of my life I have left. I know I deserve to be happy but I am being made to feel guilty about this divorce. I thought I would never see the day I would be getting a divorce. So I stopped. When I read the signs listed, it was like someone wrote a list about my husband. Elissa, I thought I was alone for way too long! Now as I am recovering, I find more and more situations that are so much like mine. Elissa, it is as if we had the same life.

Looking back, I realize that all I was doing was exposing the girls to an unhealthy, manipulative relationship and now, that is their norm. I did what he wanted to keep the martiage together, to avoid conflict or him pouting and withdrawing. I am 6 months out after filing for divorce. I am recovering, but know that I need to take care of some stuff: forgiving myself, sticking up for myself, and learning how to never allow myself to be in the same situation ever again.

I hope that one day my girls understand why I had to make this decision and that they will never find themselves in a similiar marriage. That is my biggest fear. Thank you to everyone who shares their stories. Although r I was only with my boyfriend for one year, I am 6 days out of the relationship and feeling so many emotions — hurt, confused, lonely… And even miss him and think about what he could be doing! He also put the blame on me for not reaching out to him — why would I wanna talk to someone who is calling me names, etc?

I hope that I can recover from this and be able to move onto a new relationship someday without the fear that this can happen again, as I am only 25 years old. Hope everyone stays strong. Break ups often stir up a pot of mixed emotions, trying to let go while part of us holds on, never wanting to see the person again while a minute later wondering how he is. The more space you get from the person, the greater the chance you have of holding your own space. You are still young and hopefully you will listen to your gut instincts a little sooner if you should ever find yourself around another person like this.

Sounds like your gut feelings are pretty spot on to recognizing people your should avoid. Thanks for sharing. Read about narcissism as well. I have learned from speaking with friends and my counselor, that being with someone who has narcissistic personality traits is an emotional abuser, delivering on this list as well as others relating to control and accusations, and the depth of diminishing your sense of self-worth.

The conversations are cyclical and cannot be won. Be strong. I left him strong and confident, and within 2 months he had completely shifted and manipulated me into a pathetic and depressed mess. I was almost stupid enough to take my child back to this abuser… sad. NO it was not my fault that our relationship failed. NO it is not me who made him drink.

NO I did not change and ruin our relationship, our relationship changed and ruined me. I was abused. And he is not sorry. What happened to him was terrible, but it gives him no right to make me feel lower than dirt. While I was with him I completely changed. I had been happy, generous, care-free, and I loved life. With him I was ugly, depressed, selfish, miserable, and had no fun in life. I went from being very beautiful and taking care of myself and wearing cute clothes- to gaining nearly pounds, never wearing makeup or doing my hair, and wore sweat pants and tee shirts every day.

He broke me. Now I have to worry about a custody battle possibly taking place. My 9 month old son and I are living with family members. Congratulation on getting through the convoluted fog your past relationship. You are here to live your life, to create options for yourself. Love is not about putting up with the crap of others. Love can only exist when we love ourselves enough too realize we are worthy of making decisions that are beneficial for the well being of ourselves.

Not him Your ex has already shown you the type of person he is, so it should not be a surprise if he still becomes manipulative as the custody battle proceeds. He is damaged goods and wants everything to go his way. You will have to be stronger than this and find your inner strength. Sasha, I am not sure where you live but if you contact the family court where your case will be heard they will be able to provide you with resources to get legal counsel.

There are attorneys out there who will help you. Stay strong. Hi there…. I realise your post was over a year ago, but just wondering how you are. A dear frond of mine who also knows my ex told me he was passive aggressive and when I googled the term, it was spooky because so many of the things they do he was doing to me. He was physically beaten by his father for many years and when we met and I found this out, I felt so sorry for him and was there for him in all ways loving him dearly.

We married and I quickly fell pregnant and then things changed….. We then had another baby and he continued to be out binge drinking and not getting in touch so I never knew where I stood as far as him coming home and also not knowing what state he would be in. He saw anything to do with the house beneath him and hardly ever mucked in to help when I even asked for help.

He would just sit there in silence either ignoring me or saying he would kart, but later never came! It was an emotional roller coaster with very little consideration of my feelings. He showed no empathy when I was ill or needed help. Serious conditions like a diagnosis of a malignant melanoma or a broken arm, or an abrasion on my eyeball when little one caught me with a finger nail.

I then started to suffer after about two years of marriage chronic insomnia and consequently depression on many drugs to try and address it, but nothing worked. I used to exist on a maximum of one a a half hours sleep a night after taking my tablets and then awake the whole of the night with my heart beating like a train with anxiety. I would them force myself up in a morning to take care of my boys, but feel so sick with sleep deprivation I could hardly function, ……but I forced myself and to eat….. I lost so much weight with the stress and sleep deprivation, people though I was anorexic.

He even said I looked like an anorexic druggy with my clothes off…and to do something about it! He always had a latent anger under the surface and never smiled. He has in the past admitted to hating women and when I reminded him I was a woman…. He used to provoke me so much, to the extent i was blanked for all arguments and made out to be the mental case as I would be the one to rise to his horrendous behaviour, but he was never in the worng in his eyes.

I tried to ignore him when he came home drunk….. I would then lie awake the rest of the night after four or five hours of arguing and condescending cruel comments looking at me as if I was scum. He would then get up in the morning wreaking of stale alcohol out of every pore acting as if nothing had happened or apologising trying to kiss me that made my skin crawl. Whenever I seriously called him on his behaviour and he thought I could leave he would massively apologise and say it would never happen again….

Of course after a little time whether it was days or weeks the verbal abuse and drinking and underlying anger would start again and I would plummet into depression. It was torture and I gave him chance after chance to change door the sale do the family unit….

The crunch came when I went away on holiday with my boys when he was at work over the summer and there was a drunk fuelled party at the house when neighbours were comparing to me about the disturbance and noise with loud music all night. I dared to message him about this and the foul language I received back I cannot repeat back. He hates anyone in authority whether it is the police, teachers, older people….

He is never wrong and gets abusive whenever critsized. Money has made him incredibly arrogant and yes the things he bought me and the places we went when he was on good form were amazing….. He even used to ask….


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The point as we had more than enough money. The truth is I felt vulnerable and I needed to prove to myself when the opportunity came along that I could do it. I thrived, but it was really tough looking after the boys on my own with no family around me to help and existing in around four hours sleep a night for six months. After I crashed into depression after these six months I was sent to a specialist and was diagnosed as bipolar, which in retrospect was a relief as I could be put on medication that could balance my own inner roller coaster.

The specialist was very honest and said I had been incredibly strong not to hit drink, drugs or be committed after such an experience over a decade…. She said this, but I never believe I am strong…. I never wanted to fail at anything, including my marriage, but eventually after the party during that summer after even things at our beautiful home were smashed by so called friends of his, I had had enough……. After a very apologetic phone call from him I agreed to give him one last chance to prove to me that he would choose his boys and myself over the alcohol and the abuse that came with it.

Although he could be abusive selfish and cold when sober…. My boys then much older who had heard a lot of the arguments when in their beds at night and experienced first hand the sullen, sulky angry looking father at a weekend. I warned him on numerous occasions that he was destroying all that we had, but he would just blame me for everything that was wrong with our relationship. I was exhausted emotionally and physically at the age of 44 and my two boys pleading with me not to give him this last chance! I did …. I was completely dead inside and had to be true to my word and get us out.

We agreed to divorce and we started the process, but I could tell he still wanted to make it work……but I no longer loved him or even liked him. I then during all of this was contacted by an old friend by text who I had known for about four years through the school and we started to text each other through this awful time. I had an emotional relationship through conversation and text that filled me with hope that all men were not the same. We did start a relationship after a few weeks of messaging and I felt very guilty about this, but fulfilled in a way I never thought was possible at my age….

I was very nervouse at my age after two babies and a mental health condition. Of course when my soon to be ex found out I was blamed for everything and accused of the affair being the cause of our divorce. I did divorce him, although a horrendous process being called every disgusting name under the sun!

My boys adore my new partner and he adores me and loves my boys……he has kids of his own and life can be very stressful and financially strained to say the least. Currently looking for work, as my last job went no where after a year….. I write this to give you hope, but would love anything you have to say in response as I am even going through a hard time now after two years split from my ex.

I love my new parter dearly, but feel like damaged goods with my self esteem through the floor and guilt about the affair at the end of the day….. I miss the financial security we built up together over so any years through hard work and focus. All he wanted me to do was not work and spend the cash, but I saved as mush as I could so we had a secure future…. I am so sorry this has been a saga and would love to hear from you.

I really connected to your story and would live to stay in touch. I feel so lost right now, but lucky at the same time and I feel conflicted …. I know I did the right thing leaving and getting my two wonderful boys away from living day to day in that unhealthy environment though…. We both have worked and been layed off.

Currently i am a stay home mom with a 2 year old that isnt his but other older ones n school r. We had a split up he was going and seeing someone while i was at work and he was layed off went on few weeks and would even ride to work with me and then take my car crom there to go see. Three gears later still lying about some of it and i on the other hand wish i would have handled it differently i had a one night stand to get back at him so didnt go as long as his but long enough and he says he never did anything sexual with her ….

But now my last baby isnt his and he signed bith cert. I tell him he can hurt me but not them and dont in front but he dont. He is always putting me down for it and says anything infront of our 17 and 13 year who r old enough to u xerstand. They love there dad but wish we would leave. He hits me and punches me in front of them and if they say anything he yells and degrades them.

Now that he makes more money then he ever has since we been together he thi ks that im scared of being poor. Im not idk what to do or how to do it. He makes good money but dont really buy us to much at all. I live in income based apartment and i pay my rent and electric and cell phones. He isnt even on my lease or suppose to b on the property from his abuse. Dont have any friends and lonley any comments would mean alot. So sad…. No one deserves to be punched and no child should grow up in a such an environment. This man has serious issues that you are not going to change.

If you want out, contact an attorney. The laws are different from one place to the next and you need to know how much the laws will or will not support you and your kids. Since he is making good money, he should be able to support you, but you need to see where you stand legally. Thank you for your website. I too am divorcing my abusive husband. It is very difficult because no one sees the person you are dealing with. My husband is very successful, wealthy VP in a large company in Atlanta. He is very charming and looks non-threatening but he actually has gotten more controlling and financially abusive as our divorce has dragged on for 3 years.

I have no family here and my extended family of the past 15 years know nothing of the abuse, just his view of what is going on. Which I guess is normal, since no child grown adult or otherwise want to believe their father can be such a monster. Not one word from any of them. The court system ordered him from the home but outside of that, with his financial means he controlled everything , he can continue to drag this out forever.

Even though, he is not under the same roof, the control he has over my ability to move forward is immense. I believe he is a sex addict and his secret life will be fully revealed. My concern is for my 13 yr old daughter who may become the victim of his emotional abuse because I am no longer as accessible. I tried to get a restraining order on my husband but they said unless you have a black eye or broken limb the judge will just laugh at it and throw it out.

Thanks for your blog. I am hurt, sad, and frustrated by the actions of my coworker who I believe after doing some reflecting on the past year is passive aggressive. He started pursuing a friendship with me over a year ago. At that time, red flags went up in my mind but I pushed them aside. He talked about how rough his life has been and how he believed his wife cheated on him.

Somehow even after the initial red flags, I let myself fall for him and get too attached to his friendship. We talked all the time. I even let him say inappropriate things and would just laugh it off. She intercepted a text I sent him saying I missed him. He know blamed me for everything. I feel like a fool for letting myself get used and fall for him.

Trying to work through my feelings, but I keep looking back and get upset. Elaine When we become emotionally attached to someone, our perceptions tend to become distorted. It is why it so important to pay attention to those red flags and explore them and if uncertainty exists, keep your distance. Of course that is sometimes easier said than done. Your friend seems conflicted. He feels his wife has cheated on him, yet he blames you for the destruction of his marriage. Conflicted people say conflicting messages, so anything he has told you is probably a half truth Vulnerability can be a strong aphrodisiac.

For those who want to comfort or help others, it is an open door to get close to others. If the hurt persists, find someone to work with who can help you work through your thoughts and emotions and get you back to a productive mindset. And finding someone to work this stuff out as if it was just a distraction? Sure, it sucks for the guy, but it sucks for Elaine too. I hope this helps!

My situation was alot more complex. I had a step father growing up.

How Tracking My Life Changed Everything

Im in college and currently still living with him and the rest of my family. Me and my brther were givin harsh whoopins by him sometimes for deserving reasons, but for the Most part, unexplainable ones. For example: I had one for flipping the channel without permission not an initiated rule, no warning My brother had harsh whoppins from age for just about any reason.

Our intelligence was sometimes belittled not directly but through insinuating questions. The reason why i have been so uncertain is because im not sure whether all this was intentional or not. For some reason i feel like i can never approach him about it. He was addressed one time about an incident but it was quickly denied as a misunderstanding. After reading this I have confirmed that I what i have been feeling in my relationship is true…. I knew this, but never had it put in my face crystal clear until now. I have been in a relationship over a year.

I hurt him by cheating in the beginning and ever since then he has done almost everything on this list. He himself retaliated with many different means to hurt me, except physically hurting me. When I read that list I thought I was reading his biography. I felt his verbal abuse was a result of my actions and I deserved it. But I did all that one should do when in the wrong and none of it ever made a difference and now I know it never will. I have to let go. I walked away recently, but my emotions are actually wanting me to ask for him back. I will do my best to continue to cut him off, but I am emotionally weak right now.

Thank you for sharing your situation and I am glad this site helped you come to some realizations. Your question and concern is how do you change your relationship to yourself, to your needs and desires so they support you as an individual. There is a need that has you wanting him in your life more so than wanting to be independent.

This is not a conscious decision, it is an emotional one and the part of you holding on is holding on to what you fear you will be losing in yourself if you let go. The million dollar question is how does your unconscious create this need. It is not a chemical imbalance, it is not because you are weak, it is not because you are undeserving. But your relationship to yourself will need to become more self supportive. Making a decision like this can be difficult, because relationships are seldom cut and dry.

So while this may bring up conflicts, you have to make a choice and no one else can make this for you. If you need help to sort all this out, find a counselor in your area to work with or give us a call at Once you sort this out, then you want to work on changing yourself and here a counselor will definitely be to your advantage. Hope this helps. I have been exactly where you are with 2 kids and no options. After this emotional abuse stopped, he became financially abusive.

I wondered how we were going to eat because he would spend more partying with friends. After the financial abuse, I started counseling as I went through autism diagnosis for my older son. The family counselor did not label the relationship but guided me to an understanding of it. I slowly began to refuse to play the victim. But, still, I loved him.

So I balanced my self-empowerment with doing things to make him happy. I did everything right. One night I was working online to help us pay the bills, and he yelled at me because after I hand-washed the dishes I left them in the dish tray while I was doing my work. I told him that I would get to it after I finished the work. He yelled at me more, so I told him that he had not done anything to help around the house and could easily do that one chore so that I could focus on making money for us. That man, whom I loved and who loved me the best way he could, put his arm around my throat, flexed until it choked me, and threatened to kill me.

Then he immediately started being emotionally abusive again. Two years later, I wish that I had not given him another chance. He knew that he had me all along. He never physically abused me again. The final straw was when he began emotionally abusing the children, using the fights that I kept away from them as a power play or a method of public humiliation. The point is that it can get out of control fast.

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They care about how they feel. I hope that my story helps you understand the dangers of backing down. You are strong. Reclaim your life before he does it for you. It hurts. I have been married for 14 years. My husband is an extreamly successful man and grew up in a family he deems perfect. I on the other hand had an abusive childhood from 2 to 5 at which time I was placed in foster care. My husband has been diagnosed as a sex addict. For years I tried to get him to acknowledge his addiction, I even had an intervention. The blame for his behavior always fell back to my childhood I was the one who was screwed up.

Living with the lies and manipulation for 14 years had me beleiving I was crazy. I started having panic attacks and went to see a therapist. I was diagnosed as having PTSD. My husbands reaction to this was to go out and have an affair with a stripper half his age, and then of course blame me for the affair.

We have been in individual and couples counceling for over a year now. I did file for divorce, but have put it on hold. Was all this abuse intentional or was it the result of his addiction. Everyone else seems to love my spouse and thinks he is a great guy. Is it me who is really the problem? After reflecting on our marriage I see all the things he did that were covertly abusive but appeared as caring.

For example: he used to tell me to go out and meet other moms, but he would never be willing to watch the kids, it was always my job to find child care. Just last weekend we were out with friends to dinner. I am starting to see all of his control tatics for what they are. I have changed alot over this past year and see how the last 14 years beat me down to a shell of a woman.

Is this intentional or is it a symptom of his own problems? I feel like most things I read talk about understanding your spouse and being empathetic. My first instinct when I found out about the affair was to cut my losses and divorce. It seems like the universal message is about how working out your problems and not running will make you a stronger person.

How Do Your Deceased Loved Ones Reach Out?

His affair was the straw that broke the camels back. It took something out of my soul. I am so untrusting and have started exhibiting some of my own controlling behaviors on the above list. Our therapist says look for tangible changes. The thing is, my spouse has been a master of making things appear different than they really are.

How do you know the changes are real? It sucks not to be able to trust your own intuition. It seems that there are so many different opinions as to what one should do in this type of situation. It is all so confusing. There are many dynamics playing out here, so there is no way they can all be addressed First, any relationship is a two way street. Both parties have to want to make it work. Those are conflicting principles many are trapped in. Regardless of how screwed up you believe your past to have been, it in no way makes it OK for someone else to treat you poorly.

He just wants things to be right, but that only means he wants it his way You want to understand things, but understand this, all the understanding in the world is not going to change your situation, change your husband or make him stop blaming you. He is who is his. Is he doing this intentionally? His sex addictions are symptoms of other issues he is dealing with Can he change? Sure, if he really wants to and really puts in the effort and finds the right therapist to work with.

While you may love him, his changing is not your problem or concern. It is dysfunctional thinking to believe a marriage or any relationship has to work. Your husband is committed to his own needs first, meaning his relationship to you comes second. That is the choice you get to make for yourself, what actions am I willing to take Once you are out of the relationship, find someone to work with who can really help you find more supportive beliefs for yourself, so you can let your emotions clear and move on with your life.

I know these are hard choices to make, but the alternative of staying will do nothing but bring you down. I hope this is helpful. As hard as it is for me to say, even in an on line forum, I am the victim of abuse. A middle-aged professional guy. Whimpy, small, demure acting I am not.

But somehow the abuse started. Somehow it continued. Somehow it escalated. But the emotional comments were still designed to isolate, demean, and control. All of the warning signs were there. The jokes concerning violence became threats to my life. One day in an unexplained rage, he unexpectedly placed his hands on me in anger by shoving me abruptly from behind.

The hands that had gently caressed my face, cowardly struck me from behind- not once, but twice.

SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit
SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit
SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit
SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit
SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit
SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit SIGNS, SIGNALS and CLUES : The Joy of Tracking Your Life in Partnership with Spirit

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